Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Guy's Perspective: Should I Let him Know that I Like him?

{by Michael Vuke}
Editor's Note: This is not an article on courting vs. dating, y'all. This is not an article telling you when it is "ok" for you to start dating or how that process should look for you. This is simply one cool guy's perspective on a topic that a reader asked about, basically: how do guys feel when a girl lets him know if she's interested in him? So apply your own personal standards and glean whatever wisdom you can from this post. Okay? Mkay. :)

Girls are so confusing…I wish they would just let us know when they liked us!” When I was in the first few years of high school, this feeling seemed to be universally shared by guys. Even though we say we want girls to tell us, do we really mean it? Do guys like it when girls let them know they are interested in them?

I was one of those guys who wished that girls would just tell me if they liked me or not; I was nervous around girls and, like every guy, I didn’t understand them. I wanted the easy way out. Well, a girl that I was acquaintances with told me that she liked me—in fact, she had been having a crush on me since we met (a year or two before this); she wanted to know if I was interested in being her boyfriend.

Boom. My wish had been granted.

What was the end result? Well, I wasn’t into this girl, so I politely told her that I was flattered that she was attracted to me, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship at this point (which was true), and since she had moved out of state several months back, it really wouldn’t work. She wrote back asking me to reconsider. Long story short, we ended up cutting off communication. I’ve talked to her a couple of times since then (it’s been several years now) but even now I avoid interacting with her when I can.

I learned a lot from that situation. I didn’t like the fact that a girl was pursuing me. When I had been saying that I wanted girls to tell me if they liked me, what I meant was I wanted the girls I liked to tell me if they liked me. Shallow much?

Here is a good rule of thumb: if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, yet doesn’t have the fortitude to ask you out, maybe he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you as bad as he thinks he does. When a guy wants a girl to ask him out, he is looking for the easy, no-risk approach. Almost everything worth having is worth taking a chance on.

So, how does this apply to y’all?

If you are interested in a guy, it isn’t a problem to send signals. Spend time with him, talk to him, find out about him. Don’t smother him. (See my post on Mother Hens) Don’t come on to him or ask him out, but spend time getting to know him and his interests.

Conversely, if you aren’t interested in a guy, don’t let him monopolize your time! The amount of time you spend with someone is a HUGE signal, and it is the easiest way to start developing feelings for someone.

So, if you do the above, the ball is now in his court. If he wants to date you, shouldn’t you see if he thinks you are worth the risk of asking when he isn’t 100% sure what the outcome will be?

Think of this as the first way to weed guys out. If he isn’t willing to take a risk (however small) to enter into a relationship with you, the odds are that he isn’t going to stick things out in the long run. You owe it to yourself to not tell him.

Have you ever told someone that you liked them? Tell me about what happened in the comments!

Michael Vuke is a 20 year old writer from the South with a love for nature and art. He loves finding vintage treasures, and they help inspire some of his musings which can be found at Got a topic you want him to talk about? Comment with it below or tweet it out to him @WriteandDream.


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks Logan! I'm glad you liked it, and hopefully it gave you something to think about. :)

    2. I told a boy I liked him and that night he asked me out because I did all of the above and pit the ball in his court sadly I broke with him (long story) but I still really like me and he's flirting with me but he has a girlfriend but girls, DONT MAKE THE FIRST MOVE�� X

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  2. Michael,
    I have so enjoyed all of your posts (this one is great) - it's really helpful to have a guy's perspective on different topics (and fun to read about, of course :)) Can't wait to read what you write next!

    1. Thank you, anon--it is really encouraging to hear that someone enjoys what I've written! I'll try to keep delivering.

  3. "When a guy wants a girl to ask him out, he is looking for the easy, no-risk approach. Almost everything worth having is worth taking a chance on." Thank you for those words Michael! Good to remember.
    My other favorite is when you said, "Conversely, if you aren’t interested in a guy, don’t let him monopolize your time! The amount of time you spend with someone is a HUGE signal, and it is the easiest way to start developing feelings for someone," < super SUPER wise. But okay what do you think about "just" friends who spend lots of tim e with each other? Is that asking for problems? Or maybe thats another post XD

    1. hoo-boy--that is a complicated subject. The short answer is "maybe?"

      As with most relationships (friendship or not), there are very rarely one-size fits all answers. I know some people who cannot have a deep friendship with someone of the opposite sex without falling for them, and I know others who have several amazing friendships with people of the opposite gender and there are no problems on either side.

      I would just say, know yourself, and keep a close eye on your emotions and feelings. You definitely can look for signs to gauge the guy's level of attachment to you, but you can easily drive yourself crazy trying to read someone's mind. So, if you know that you can have a good friendship with someone without developing further feelings, go for it!

      Regardless, don't let someone (guy or girl) monopolize your time--spread the love; you'll be a better friend and person for it.

      Sometime, I may write a post on this...

    2. I think that's a really good answer. And I think its important to remember not to let one person monopolize your time -- its always good to have lots of friends and invest in lots of people!

      But you should still write a post on this sometime! =)

  4. That's Great!!! Your Posts are Awesome

    1. Thanks, Bethy! I'm glad you like them.

  5. Thanks for sharing Michael! Great post. Ok, follow up question on behalf of girls everywhere:) You mention sending signals letting a guy know you are interested without being blatant about it (which I think makes sense). However, the girl in your story seemed to have liked you for quite a while and yet you seemed surprised to find out about it. How well do you think guys pick up on the "signals" girls try to send? Or what type do you think are effective?

    1. Great question.

      To give some more information about my experience, I talked to the girl in question a maximum of once a week, and that was usually a "hey, how are you?" sort of conversation. Then, after I had known her only a few months, they moved away. We talked every once in a while on Facebook. About a year later, the stuff that I talked about in the post happened.

      Back to your question about "signals". I think that we pick up on signals from girls relatively well (there are exceptions--for instance one friend that asked a girl out had no clue that she had been sending him signals for months). However, we aren't always honest with ourselves about what the signals mean--we over complicate things in our heads and confuse ourselves (this is not your fault, and there isn't really anything you can do to avoid this either).

      For me, one of the easiest (and hardest to confuse) signal is the amount of time you choose spend together and the number of deeper conversations you have. They don't have to be about the logical inconsistencies of Ancient Greece or anything, but just deeper than shallow small talk.

      We can tell if you are talking to us because we are the only two around the same age in a group of elementary students, or if you are talking to us because you like to hang out with us.

      Does that help?

    2. Thanks for your insight:) Really appreciate getting to hear your perspective! And I think you're right, guys probably catch on to a lot more than we give them credit for, haha.

    3. Glad I could help!

  6. I love that you talked about this, Michael! I think it was really helpful to read, as a girl. I know this is something we all struggle with, and it was great to hear your perpective! :)

    1. Thank you, Rachel; I really appreciate you saying that. I'm really glad that it could be helpful!

  7. Haha - I was considering marching up to the guy and spitting out that I like him. I think patience is most befitting. thanks for the advice! You are right - if he's interested in me - he'll come marching over to me!

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  13. Michael thanks for this insight! I am seeing a guy 3 months now, not on a weekly basis but most times it is, or every 1-1.5 weeks. We love eachothers company and acknowledge our deep and excellent conversations, which both face to face and of course texting for sometimes 10-12 hours straight... We also have a sexual relationship. Wen it began he said he wasn't ready for a rship- neither was I, as we both had recent breakups from long term rships. Now 3 months later I asked if his feelings for me stem beyond 'just as a friend' and he replied with 'obviously I like you as a friend, but also a bit more than that too' - but we did not elaborate.
    I want to know if this is the furthest it will ever go between he and I, or if there is a chance it could go further. I'm too scared to ask him. I love how we are together and I trust in that feeling- but I am still very scared. I am the female in this case and its confusing.
    Your thoughts are appreciated and Thankyou! Gerri

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  16. I told my friend Jacob I liked him I'm a freshman in high school and we have been friends for a year now and I just asked him about 6 days ago but he still has not said anything Wat does that mean?

  17. Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    2. I know it has been a couple of months, and I'm not sure if you have resolved this, but I'll give you my advice.

      I think you should go up to Jacob and ask him if he has a few minutes to talk, and if he does, that you would appreciate an answer to your asking him out so you know how to proceed forward.

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  30. Great advice, 99.9% of the time.
    My 0.1% experience was when I just went up to the guy and kissed him. Passionately. It took him by surprise, but he was not upset at all! It led straight to an exclusive relationship, which I eventually ended 3 years later. The point being, sometimes you need to forget the rules.

  31. Nice article ! Right on time! :D

  32. Well i once told someone i liked them and it led to a great relationship but there were some problems because it was long distance and we had to cut it off

  33. What if he's 19 and I'm 27?

  34. Hey there!

    I'll give you a situation and you can tell me what you think about it.
    They were classmates and she really liked him. I t started out with sexual tension that everyone could notice and ended in comfort. Nothing ever really came out of it, to be honest. Meanwhile he started dating someone who ditched him after a few months. He was not over his ex yet and she knew it. After an year of keeping it inside her, she finally told him that she liked him and that she knew his position with his ex and didn't expect anything from him.
    But this did not affect his behavior toward her in any manner. He would still behave in the same manner like he used to before. Things like grabbing her hand in the middle of a class and playing with her jewelry was normal for him. Even the professors started passing comments about this. But he was still trying to win over the ex all this while.

    What do you think he wants?
    What should she do? Is she reading too much into nothing?

    1. Hey you! He likes her but as a backburner,he has convinced himself playing it safe n trying to get back with the old is the safer option. Some guys/gals are not confident enough to jump into the unkown. So ultimately if the ex takes him back it works as if it goes to shiz then the second best option is still around. Cruel but its him being selfish and not thinking about others. Option 2 he simply isnt interested and hoping things carry on as normal. First suggestion in my opinion seems more viable. Its the sort of thing i would think in the interest of self preservation

  35. Hey, so i broke every rule i stand by; i was in a 5yr relationship which i ended because put simply it fizzled and found myself doing all the running towards the end. I handled it in the nicest way possible to which my ex turned into a needy bunny boiler. Ultimately it shouldnt have come to this if he took the relationship seriously. Guys pls note i am very frank and dont do the "well you should be able to read my mind" crap. Every opportunity was given to make it work. Anyway so i meet this guy at work and there's an instant attraction,he flirts he teases takes an interest and makes time for me. Best feeling in the world we learnt so much about one another and he's hilarious. Well mannered, a gentleman,honest and attractive, mardy sometimes but i found it adorable probably because i got it. Chemistry was there and we were always professional, although i still think he struggled to stay formal based on random subject changes when we were having (what i thought), were friendly chats.Anyway i bit the bullet on xmas eve and confessed after a text chat that i have a crush on him. Guess what happens, the coolest calmest,confident guy just stops replying. Ok it was not how I wanted it to come out, in fact I didnt as I was worried what effect it would have on him more than myself at work and whether all of this was him playing me. The way he interacted with everyone else was different, he gave me attention whenever, there were a few flustery moments i couldnt get out of my head and ultimately the look in his eyes every time gave the game away. + 2x close colleagues who know nothing pointed out something was up as no-one seemed to exist when we were in the same meeting. So I fess up and get sweet F.A. in response. Note this is a confident guy who women swoon over and flirt with daily which is funny as they're not subtle in the slightest. So gentleman, a well balanced woman who lets you know is into you & you behave as if the feeling is mutual; you do not reply. Wtf!! Be brutal please as i want to act cool when we get back to work, something tells me this could get weird

  36. I think this post is outdated. Why can't girls ask guys out? It is the 21st century after all. If a guy can't appreciate a woman who goes after what she wants, then he isn't worth her time. If women waited for men to make the first move, the species would die out. A strong man can handle a strong woman who doesn't have a problem with taking control; a weak man will say she has an attitude.

  37. I think this post is outdated. Why can't girls ask guys out? It is the 21st century after all. If a guy can't appreciate a woman who goes after what she wants, then he isn't worth her time. If women waited for men to make the first move, the species would die out. A strong man can handle a strong woman who doesn't have a problem with taking control; a weak man will say she has an attitude.

    1. My thoughts exactly. I should mention since then he still behaves as though he's attracted. Ive distanced myself from him as much as possible yet always professional. So guess i'm crushing on an emotionally stunted 35yr old. Wounded!

  38. I told 5 guys that I liked them and they all just backed away, now I've met this guy who I have been talking to for nearly a month and I think we may like each other as he is giving me gifts but the problem is is that I really like him and I'm not sure to ask him out as he is shy

    1. Strange one this. I would say wait but why waste time oh heck tell him you like him. If he acts weird see Lacie's post x

  39. Okay, I like this guy in my year at school. He told me a while ago that he liked me, but I wasn't sure what to make of it because there had been some drama between myself, the guy I like, and this other guy that likes me. I'm still friends with both of them, but they hate each other. Do I tell the first guy that I like him? I honestly don't know what to do!

  40. Hi my name's Kristina! Sorry to bother you... I called this guy and told him that I liked him, and he said he felt the same way. I texted him a day later and asked if that meant we were girlfriend/boyfriend and he replied with something like "I'm comfortable where we are right now, but if you want to move forward I'm totally fine with that!" That was like 3 months ago, we talk and text each other sometimes, but to be honest he's not really 'trying' I don't really know how else to put it. He hasn't asked me out, and he doesn't really talk to me in person. He's actually kind of awkward around me, but everyone else (including girls) he can talk to so easily. I don't feel like this relationship is really going anywhere, but I really like him. What should I do??? Neither of us have ever been in a relationship so he's probably just as confused as I am....ugh I have no idea what to do, please respond. I'm kind of an awkward person myself, so maybe that's why he's so awkward around me???

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