Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Guy's Perspective: Should I Let him Know that I Like him?

{by Michael Vuke}
Editor's Note: This is not an article on courting vs. dating, y'all. This is not an article telling you when it is "ok" for you to start dating or how that process should look for you. This is simply one cool guy's perspective on a topic that a reader asked about, basically: how do guys feel when a girl lets him know if she's interested in him? So apply your own personal standards and glean whatever wisdom you can from this post. Okay? Mkay. :)


Girls are so confusing…I wish they would just let us know when they liked us!” When I was in the first few years of high school, this feeling seemed to be universally shared by guys. Even though we say we want girls to tell us, do we really mean it? Do guys like it when girls let them know they are interested in them?

I was one of those guys who wished that girls would just tell me if they liked me or not; I was nervous around girls and, like every guy, I didn’t understand them. I wanted the easy way out. Well, a girl that I was acquaintances with told me that she liked me—in fact, she had been having a crush on me since we met (a year or two before this); she wanted to know if I was interested in being her boyfriend.

Boom. My wish had been granted.

What was the end result? Well, I wasn’t into this girl, so I politely told her that I was flattered that she was attracted to me, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship at this point (which was true), and since she had moved out of state several months back, it really wouldn’t work. She wrote back asking me to reconsider. Long story short, we ended up cutting off communication. I’ve talked to her a couple of times since then (it’s been several years now) but even now I avoid interacting with her when I can.

I learned a lot from that situation. I didn’t like the fact that a girl was pursuing me. When I had been saying that I wanted girls to tell me if they liked me, what I meant was I wanted the girls I liked to tell me if they liked me. Shallow much?

Here is a good rule of thumb: if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, yet doesn’t have the fortitude to ask you out, maybe he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you as bad as he thinks he does. When a guy wants a girl to ask him out, he is looking for the easy, no-risk approach. Almost everything worth having is worth taking a chance on.

So, how does this apply to y’all?

If you are interested in a guy, it isn’t a problem to send signals. Spend time with him, talk to him, find out about him. Don’t smother him. (See my post on Mother Hens) Don’t come on to him or ask him out, but spend time getting to know him and his interests.

Conversely, if you aren’t interested in a guy, don’t let him monopolize your time! The amount of time you spend with someone is a HUGE signal, and it is the easiest way to start developing feelings for someone.

So, if you do the above, the ball is now in his court. If he wants to date you, shouldn’t you see if he thinks you are worth the risk of asking when he isn’t 100% sure what the outcome will be?

Think of this as the first way to weed guys out. If he isn’t willing to take a risk (however small) to enter into a relationship with you, the odds are that he isn’t going to stick things out in the long run. You owe it to yourself to not tell him.

Have you ever told someone that you liked them? Tell me about what happened in the comments!

Michael Vuke is a 20 year old writer from the South with a love for nature and art. He loves finding vintage treasures, and they help inspire some of his musings which can be found at www.michaelvuke.wordpress.com. Got a topic you want him to talk about? Comment with it below or tweet it out to him @WriteandDream.

45 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks Logan! I'm glad you liked it, and hopefully it gave you something to think about. :)

      Delete
  2. Michael,
    I have so enjoyed all of your posts (this one is great) - it's really helpful to have a guy's perspective on different topics (and fun to read about, of course :)) Can't wait to read what you write next!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, anon--it is really encouraging to hear that someone enjoys what I've written! I'll try to keep delivering.

      Delete
  3. "When a guy wants a girl to ask him out, he is looking for the easy, no-risk approach. Almost everything worth having is worth taking a chance on." Thank you for those words Michael! Good to remember.
    My other favorite is when you said, "Conversely, if you aren’t interested in a guy, don’t let him monopolize your time! The amount of time you spend with someone is a HUGE signal, and it is the easiest way to start developing feelings for someone," < super SUPER wise. But okay what do you think about "just" friends who spend lots of tim e with each other? Is that asking for problems? Or maybe thats another post XD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hoo-boy--that is a complicated subject. The short answer is "maybe?"

      As with most relationships (friendship or not), there are very rarely one-size fits all answers. I know some people who cannot have a deep friendship with someone of the opposite sex without falling for them, and I know others who have several amazing friendships with people of the opposite gender and there are no problems on either side.

      I would just say, know yourself, and keep a close eye on your emotions and feelings. You definitely can look for signs to gauge the guy's level of attachment to you, but you can easily drive yourself crazy trying to read someone's mind. So, if you know that you can have a good friendship with someone without developing further feelings, go for it!

      Regardless, don't let someone (guy or girl) monopolize your time--spread the love; you'll be a better friend and person for it.

      Sometime, I may write a post on this...

      Delete
    2. I think that's a really good answer. And I think its important to remember not to let one person monopolize your time -- its always good to have lots of friends and invest in lots of people!

      But you should still write a post on this sometime! =)

      Delete
  4. That's Great!!! Your Posts are Awesome

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Bethy! I'm glad you like them.

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  5. Thanks for sharing Michael! Great post. Ok, follow up question on behalf of girls everywhere:) You mention sending signals letting a guy know you are interested without being blatant about it (which I think makes sense). However, the girl in your story seemed to have liked you for quite a while and yet you seemed surprised to find out about it. How well do you think guys pick up on the "signals" girls try to send? Or what type do you think are effective?
    thanks:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great question.

      To give some more information about my experience, I talked to the girl in question a maximum of once a week, and that was usually a "hey, how are you?" sort of conversation. Then, after I had known her only a few months, they moved away. We talked every once in a while on Facebook. About a year later, the stuff that I talked about in the post happened.

      Back to your question about "signals". I think that we pick up on signals from girls relatively well (there are exceptions--for instance one friend that asked a girl out had no clue that she had been sending him signals for months). However, we aren't always honest with ourselves about what the signals mean--we over complicate things in our heads and confuse ourselves (this is not your fault, and there isn't really anything you can do to avoid this either).

      For me, one of the easiest (and hardest to confuse) signal is the amount of time you choose spend together and the number of deeper conversations you have. They don't have to be about the logical inconsistencies of Ancient Greece or anything, but just deeper than shallow small talk.

      We can tell if you are talking to us because we are the only two around the same age in a group of elementary students, or if you are talking to us because you like to hang out with us.

      Does that help?

      Delete
    2. Thanks for your insight:) Really appreciate getting to hear your perspective! And I think you're right, guys probably catch on to a lot more than we give them credit for, haha.

      Delete
  6. I love that you talked about this, Michael! I think it was really helpful to read, as a girl. I know this is something we all struggle with, and it was great to hear your perpective! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Rachel; I really appreciate you saying that. I'm really glad that it could be helpful!

      Delete
  7. Haha - I was considering marching up to the guy and spitting out that I like him. I think patience is most befitting. thanks for the advice! You are right - if he's interested in me - he'll come marching over to me!

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  13. Michael thanks for this insight! I am seeing a guy 3 months now, not on a weekly basis but most times it is, or every 1-1.5 weeks. We love eachothers company and acknowledge our deep and excellent conversations, which both face to face and of course texting for sometimes 10-12 hours straight... We also have a sexual relationship. Wen it began he said he wasn't ready for a rship- neither was I, as we both had recent breakups from long term rships. Now 3 months later I asked if his feelings for me stem beyond 'just as a friend' and he replied with 'obviously I like you as a friend, but also a bit more than that too' - but we did not elaborate.
    I want to know if this is the furthest it will ever go between he and I, or if there is a chance it could go further. I'm too scared to ask him. I love how we are together and I trust in that feeling- but I am still very scared. I am the female in this case and its confusing.
    Your thoughts are appreciated and Thankyou! Gerri

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  16. I told my friend Jacob I liked him I'm a freshman in high school and we have been friends for a year now and I just asked him about 6 days ago but he still has not said anything Wat does that mean?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I know it has been a couple of months, and I'm not sure if you have resolved this, but I'll give you my advice.

      I think you should go up to Jacob and ask him if he has a few minutes to talk, and if he does, that you would appreciate an answer to your asking him out so you know how to proceed forward.

      Delete
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  23. MICHAEL!!
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  25. I met him three years back.. Ours is a Long distance relationship.. We have hardly met four to five times in these three years... In our initial two years we used to have long phone conversations everyday... One day, i expressed my feelings, he said he is not ready now .. But he still kept the same level of friendship, he used to call me everyday.. But things changed now...since past few months i hardly get a cal from him.. We just talk twice a month,... He says that he is busy with life and so he is not able to give time.. The only thing i know is i Love him... What should I do?

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  30. Great advice, 99.9% of the time.
    My 0.1% experience was when I just went up to the guy and kissed him. Passionately. It took him by surprise, but he was not upset at all! It led straight to an exclusive relationship, which I eventually ended 3 years later. The point being, sometimes you need to forget the rules.

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  32. Well i once told someone i liked them and it led to a great relationship but there were some problems because it was long distance and we had to cut it off

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