Evaluating A Suitor - Thoughts to Consider from an Older Sister

{by Katrina Rebsch}

As those of you who follow this blog might know, God has recently brought into my life a most amazing young man and we are engaged to be married!  Words cannot even begin to describe the sheer joy that has characterized this new season of love and discovery with the one for whom I have been waiting and praying all these years. 

In recent weeks, I received an email from the mother of some good friends who asked me to consider writing for the benefit of other girls what I’ve learned when it comes to evaluating a potential suitor; questions to ask to get to know him, and qualities to look for in his life.  While I am certainly no expert on the matter of guy-girl relationships, I have had quite a bit of experience this past year and a half with the evaluation process as various “interested” young men have entered and exited my life.

What I hope to do in this article is simply share what I have learned along the way and give some older-sister encouragement to those of you who are still waiting for your own Prince Charming.

Before we even get to the guy however, let’s talk about you, the girl!

Thought to Ponder #1 - God is the Author of the Best Love Stories Ever! 

Marriage, love, romance, sacrifice - these are all His ideas and His inventions.  Novelists and screen-writers don’t even come close to capturing the breath-taking beauty of a true love story scripted by the Creator of the universe.  I enjoy reading a sweet romance or watching a wholesome chick flick as much as any girl, but no human can come close to writing a story like God can!  So the question is, are you committed to His story for your life, or your own? 

I have seen what can happen when a young lady grows desperate and takes matters into her own hands, running after anyone who will notice her and throwing values to the wind as she seeks immediate gratification on her quest for love and attention.  There is great sorrow and heartache.  Manipulating people and circumstances to try to write one’s own love story is not the way to happily ever after.  Only when the pen is yielded to God and fulfillment sought in Him is true joy experienced.  But of course, happiness is not the goal; glorifying the Lord is!  And He is glorified when we are satisfied in Him, yielded and obedient to His will, and content to wait for His timing in the romance department. 

Thought to Ponder #2 - Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I know we live in an instant-oatmeal society where words like ‘patience’ and ‘waiting’ are not very popular.  However, the Bible is full of admonitions to wait on the Lord!  His way is perfect and His timing is best!  When I was much younger, I would often hear older girls talk about how their beloved was worth the wait and I would think to myself, “I hope I can say that one day!” 

The years passed.  Life was full and rich...and lonely at times.  Lonely for a guy.  Lonely for someone to belong to, for someone to raise a family with, for someone to grow old with.  Would there ever be someone?  Would I ever get married?  Would he really be worth the wait?

I am now 26 years old and by God’s grace can truly, whole-heartedly, without a shadow of a doubt proclaim, “YES, YES, YES!!!  This man whom God has brought me HAS been worth the wait!”  He is everything I ever prayed for and so much more.  Had I rushed ahead of God’s timing or settled for the first guy who came along, I would have missed out on the indescribable beauty and wonder of this relationship with Nathan Britton, who is without question, the best and most perfect man for me!

I’m not saying that in every situation the first guy who comes along is an unwise choice; many times he could very well be God’s will!  I’m simply wanting to encourage you to be careful and not fall for the first one just because he is the first one!  Evaluate wisely, be on guard against premature infatuation, and be willing to wait on the Lord’s timing!

Thought to Ponder #3 - Princes Need Prayer!

Guess what?  If it’s in God’s plan for you to get married, your future husbands are alive right now.  Your own Prince Charming exists.  Somewhere.  Out there.  You may not know his name or his face or anything about him.  Regardless, he needs your prayer! So pray for him!  Pray for his protection, for his moral uprightness, for his relationship with the Lord.  Pray for God to build His character into the life of your man.  Pray for him to be a strong leader and to stand firm against temptation.  By praying for him even now, you are “doing him good all the days of [your] life.” (Proverbs 31:12)  I prayed for my future husband for many, many years before I met him this past January.  What’s so amazing to me is to see every quality I ever prayed for him evident in his life.  

Okay.  Now that we’ve got a foundation established for us girls, let’s talk about the guys.  When someone comes along who is interested in you, what questions should you ask?  What qualities should you look for?

Questions to Ask a Potential Suitor:

On matters of faith/practice:

•  Is he a Christian? 
•  What is his salvation testimony?  (Pay close attention here!  Is it story about him and what he did to “be saved”, or about Jesus Christ and His finished work on the cross?)
•  Does he read the Word regularly? 
•  Is he part of a local body of believers?  What kind of church is he involved with? 
•  Does he have sound doctrinal beliefs that match up to your own?  (There are many “stripes” of Christianity out there; is he of the same stripe as you?)
•  Does he love the Lord and actively pursue a more intimate knowledge of the Savior?
•  Does he know why he believes what he believes?
•  Is he living in obedience to the Word of God?
•  Is he involved in any ministries?

On matters of character:

•   Does he honor his authorities (and yours)?
•   Is he honest?
•   What does he believe about lying?
•   Does he walk in moral uprightness?  (You will want the help of your father or pastor to help ask detailed questions along these lines.)
•   Is he a gentleman?
•   Is he kind to others or only to the girl he is trying to impress?
•   How does he treat children, those with special needs, and the elderly?
•   Is he a leader?
•   Does he have direction and purpose in life?
•   What is he passionate about?
•   Is he easily offended?  Does he carry grudges?
•   Is he humble and teachable or proud and know-it-all?
•   Is he a man of integrity?
•   What makes him angry? What brings him joy?
•   What is his definition of love?
•   Does he manifest the quality of self-control and self-discipline?
•   What are his strengths?  What are his weaknesses?

On matters of family life:

•   What does he believe about guy-girl relationships?
•   Why does he want to get married?
•   What does he believe about the roles of husbands and wives in a marriage relationship?
•   What are his beliefs about children, family planning, birth control, etc.?
•   How does he view his future position as spiritual leader of the home?
•   What does he believe about the discipleship of his children?
•   What does he desire regarding the education of his children?
•   What does he think about adoption?

On matters of lifestyle and personal standards:

•   What are his music convictions/preferences/tastes?
•   What are his standards regarding movies and media?
•   What does he think about clothing/women’s dress/modesty, etc.?
•   What does he want his future home life to look like?
•   What does he think about video games/computer games/the internet?  (Are there any addictions there?)
•   What are his beliefs about alcohol?
•   What are his beliefs about dancing?
•   What kind of books does he enjoy reading?
•   How does he handle finances?

I am sure there are many, many more questions that could be added to these lists!  These are just some ideas to get you started.  As you ask these questions, be evaluating how the answers line up with your own beliefs and values.  Parental wisdom and input is invaluable in the evaluation process as well!  However, you are the one who might be marrying this guy, so you need to know if the two of you are likeminded enough in all the essential, non-negotiable areas.  Some of these areas will be areas of preference vs. conviction.  It is very helpful to determine ahead of time what are unchanging convictions for you and what are areas in which you can be more flexible if the fellow believes differently.

When it comes to the qualities to look for in a potential husband, I found it very helpful to narrow down my list to three main, essential aspects:

1.  A man of God
2.  A man of character
3.  A man whom I can respect and follow

The definitions of these bullet points will be different for different people and wrapped up in these points is the obvious need for likemindedness. 

In the evaluation process, however, please remember that no guy wants the unrealistic expectation that he will be perfect in every way.  And by perfect, I mean sinless and incapable of making mistakes.  If you have these expectations sandwiched around an impossible list of qualities he must fulfill you might find yourself an old maid forever.  There must be room for grace and understanding that the man God has for you is going to be human!  However, that is not to say we should compromise beliefs and convictions just to get any guy!  There must be balance between waiting for God’s best while at the same time being willing to join your life with a fellow imperfect human.

There is so much more that could be said about guy-girl relationships, but my goal was not to write an exhaustive article on the topic.  I simply wanted to share some things I’ve learned along the journey and some thoughts to ponder when those suitors come knocking! 

Remember - this is only the rest of your life that is at stake!  Commit your way unto the Lord, trust also in Him and rest assured that He shall bring it to pass!  Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. (Psalm 37:5, Psalm 27:14)

Here’s to joyfully ever after for the glory of God!!!

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Guy's Perspective: Should I Let him Know that I Like him?

{by Michael Vuke}

Editor's Note: This is not an article on courting vs. dating, y'all. This is not an article telling you when it is "ok" for you to start dating or how that process should look for you. This is simply one cool guy's perspective on a topic that a reader asked about, basically: how do guys feel when a girl lets him know if she's interested in him? So apply your own personal standards and glean whatever wisdom you can from this post. Okay? Mkay. :)

“Girls are so confusing…I wish they would just let us know when they liked us!” When I was in the first few years of high school, this feeling seemed to be universally shared by guys. Even though we say we want girls to tell us, do we really mean it? Do guys like it when girls let them know they are interested in them?

I was one of those guys who wished that girls would just tell me if they liked me or not; I was nervous around girls and, like every guy, I didn’t understand them. I wanted the easy way out. Well, a girl that I was acquaintances with told me that she liked me—in fact, she had been having a crush on me since we met (a year or two before this); she wanted to know if I was interested in being her boyfriend.

Boom. My wish had been granted.

What was the end result? Well, I wasn’t into this girl, so I politely told her that I was flattered that she was attracted to me, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship at this point (which was true), and since she had moved out of state several months back, it really wouldn’t work. She wrote back asking me to reconsider. Long story short, we ended up cutting off communication. I’ve talked to her a couple of times since then (it’s been several years now) but even now I avoid interacting with her when I can.

I learned a lot from that situation. I didn’t like the fact that a girl was pursuing me. When I had been saying that I wanted girls to tell me if they liked me, what I meant was I wanted the girls I liked to tell me if they liked me. Shallow much?

Here is a good rule of thumb: if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, yet doesn’t have the fortitude to ask you out, maybe he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you as bad as he thinks he does. When a guy wants a girl to ask him out, he is looking for the easy, no-risk approach. Almost everything worth having is worth taking a chance on.

So, how does this apply to y’all?

If you are interested in a guy, it isn’t a problem to send signals. Spend time with him, talk to him, find out about him. Don’t smother him. (See my post on Mother Hens) Don’t come on to him or ask him out, but spend time getting to know him and his interests.

Conversely, if you aren’t interested in a guy, don’t let him monopolize your time! The amount of time you spend with someone is a HUGE signal, and it is the easiest way to start developing feelings for someone.

So, if you do the above, the ball is now in his court. If he wants to date you, shouldn’t you see if he thinks you are worth the risk of asking when he isn’t 100% sure what the outcome will be?

Think of this as the first way to weed guys out. If he isn’t willing to take a risk (however small) to enter into a relationship with you, the odds are that he isn’t going to stick things out in the long run. You owe it to yourself to not tell him.

Have you ever told someone that you liked them? Tell me about what happened in the comments!

Michael Vuke is a 20 year old writer from the South with a love for nature and art. He loves finding vintage treasures, and they help inspire some of his musings which can be found at www.michaelvuke.wordpress.com. Got a topic you want him to talk about? Comment with it below or tweet it out to him @WriteandDream.

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Dear Katrina: A Love Story That Won't Be Found in Hollywood

{by Katrina Rebsch}

God has been doing amazing things in the life of one of our favorite writers! We thought y'all might like to hear a little update. Honestly, this is one of the most beautiful romances I have ever seen played out, nothing like it can be found in pop culture news or Hollywood drama. It is a testiment to Katrina's faithful commitment to purity, purpose in singleness, and the way she has honored her father and heavenly Father. And of course, its a testiment to the awesomeness of God, who can write better romances than Jane Austin and Margaret Mitchell combined. The pictures kind of give away the ending, but who cares? Good love stories have happy endings, so you probably would've guessed anyway...

It had been a long and life-changing six months in Bolivia, overflowing with both trials and blessings. On January 3rd, however, I was at last on a plane bound for Texas! I couldn't wait to see my parents again, to breath the air of America, to revel in the beauty of our lovely house, to eat favorite foods, and to play our piano to my heart's content! Soul-weary and in need of refreshing, I was excited beyond words to return home. Truly, there is no place like it!

My first day back was just like I had dreamed it would be every day while so far away in South America. Mom and Dad met me at the airport where there was much hugging, picture snapping, tear wiping, and the usual non-stop chatter that accompanies such a joyful reunion! Then, while Dad returned to work, Mom and I spent the day at home catching up on all the news as well as much needed rest in the form of afternoon naps for both of us.

After dinner that evening, Dad announced that he and Mom had something to give me and asked me to join them in the living room. "Does this gift have to do with Christmas?" I asked, since the holidays had so recently come and gone. "No," my dad replied. "This has nothing to do with Christmas. It's something that's been in the works now for about two and a half months."

My curiosity was immediately piqued by this description of the gift. What could he mean by two and a half months? I didn't have to wonder long because Mom soon came in carrying a giant scrapbook. On the cover were pictures of flowers and on each page inside she had glued special memorabilia of milestones from my life and people I had touched. Suddenly, I understood my dad's description! For the past couple of months, Mom had been cleaning out closets and de-cluttering the house in preparation for home renovations like new carpeting and a fresh coat of paint on the walls. In the cleaning-out process, she had come across all this memorabilia and wanted to preserve it for me in a meaningful way.

I was quite touched by her sweet efforts and enjoyed paging through the book, oohing and ahhing over each item she had thought to include. She followed the flower theme all the way through, decorating each page accordingly, based on a special conversation we had had while I was in Bolivia. When I reached the last page, there was a letter with my name on it tucked inside a pocket of paper. Naturally, I assumed the letter was from my parents, although I did find it strange that it said Miss Katrina Rebsch in computer calligraphy since my parents never use my last name when addressing a letter to me. I also thought it strange the way they were smiling at me. I couldn't exactly put my finger on the reason why, but their smiles prompted me to think that something mysterious was going on...

I slit the envelope open and immediately noticed that the letter was not from my parents. The handwriting was completely unfamiliar. It began with these words:

"Dear Katrina,

You do not know me, but I hope you won't let that stop you from reading further."

Well, I did stop momentarily, but only because I was so utterly stunned! In a flash of understanding, I realized that the letter I held in my hand was from a young man. A quick glance down the page revealed his name: Nathan Britton. My dad's comment about this gift being two and a half months in process, my parents' smiles...it was all starting to make sense. A handwritten letter from a young man like this presented in such a way by my parents could only mean one thing in my household.

I gulped and kept reading.

Dear Katrina, 

You do not know me, but I hope you won't let that stop you from reading further. You never know what you might find with the next stroke of the pen (and I actually am using a pen!).

Let me introduce myself. My name is Nathan Britton. I am just a regular guy with a spectacular God. For as long as I've known them, my parents have been involved with ministry in Michigan where they raised me, my four brothers, and three sisters. I moved to Texas in August of 2009 to work toward a Master in Theology degree at Dallas Theological Seminary. Yes, they have a Houston extension site. Oh, and I am single. :-) 

Currently, I continue the studies while working full time at First Baptist Church of Katy as assistant to the pastor. My desire is to serve the Lord with every aspect of life; to be wasted for the purpose of His glory. I have a call to ministry, specifically as a pastor, and one day would like to train pastors in places where they do not have easy access to such training.

Enough about me, I want to hear about you! Unfortunately, the paper isn't talking back to me. I suppose, though, you're wondering why I'm writing you; perhaps you're even asking why I even know who you are? Well, that's simple. You're famous! And besides that, I go to church with the Hebert family who decided that I should meet you and, thus, put me in touch with your dad.

Since then, I have been so encouraged by all of the things that I have learned about you (fyi: your blog is quite good!). Your heart for missions is truly inspiring, and your desire to live a life of ministry is very rare these days. The display of Christ in you is very evident, and the character of God beautifully shines forth in your life. Though I have never met you, it seems as if I know you, at least a little, and have been praying for you often.

Let me be blunt. I would love to meet you, Katrina! I have nothing further to ask in this letter, but that you would prayerfully consider allowing me to be another flower in your life whatever that may look like (in the end, it is in the hands of our God).

Katrina, welcome home! I pray that the Lord will richly bless you with an ever-growing understanding of Christ Himself, and that He will keep you safe as He leads you forward.

I hope to meet you in person soon! (From all I've learned, I know you'll be way more interesting to talk to than this piece of paper.) :-) 

Sincerely and in His Grace,

Nathan Britton

P.S. You can thank your sister for the gerber daisies 

At that point, my mom hopped off the couch where she had been sitting beside me and hurried out to the garage. Within seconds, she came in carrying a vase that contained four, beautiful pink gerber daisies; a gift from Nathan to accompany the letter. (The post script indicated he had been in touch with my sister in regards to my favorite flowers - and delivered accordingly!)

To describe to you how I felt in that moment and all the thoughts that were racing through my head as I scrambled to process what was happening...well, I'm just not sure there are words to do it justice. A young man like this was interested in me? And he had already been in touch with my dad? And he had taken the time to write me a six-page, handwritten letter of introduction on parchment paper and buy me flowers?

I was having a hard time taking it all in. Excited, shocked, blessed, curious, speechless; those might be a few words to describe the experience. It's a good thing I like surprises, because this was the biggest one of my life!

As soon as I found my voice again, I plied my parents with questions! And they, still grinning from ear to ear like Cheshire cats, were most happy to oblige!

It had all started three months previously around the dinner table at the home of mutual friends, the Hebert family. They had invited over two brothers from their church to share a meal and fellowship. During the conversation that night, the younger of the brothers, Nathan, was questioned about his relationship status. When he replied that he was "sadly single," they asked why he didn't have a girlfriend. He said that he had not found the right girl yet; someone who shared his love for the Lord, his desire for a life of full-time ministry, and his conservative beliefs/values. Upon hearing this, the Heberts immediately thought of me and said to Nathan, "You need to meet Katrina!" He mentioned that he was all in favor of meeting people! "The only problem is, she's doing mission work in Bolivia right now. But we'd be happy to put you in touch with her dad!" Nathan agreed that contacting a girl's father first was a good way to do things, and was more than willing to take that step.

At that, Mr. Hebert, who is not only a cunning matchmaker (as we have now learned), but also my dad's boss, wasted no time in dashing off an email to him - right then and there!

"How old is Katrina and when is she coming home? We found her a husband.

Stats: 25 years old, 6' 1", one of 8 home schooled kids. BA in Political Science from Hillsdale, currently doing a ThM at Dallas Seminary. Looking for a conservative woman, open to Christian work, home schooling, large family, theologically conservative."

(*Note - when I read this email much later in the story, I couldn't help but laugh! If that doesn't sound like an ad for a mail-order bride, I don't know what does! Let me assure you it was more a reflection of Mr. Hebert's humor than Nathan's chivalrous way of stating things!)

My dad immediately emailed back a favorable response with a request for more information. And so it was, that the young, handsome, and sadly single Nathan Britton left that night with the blog address of a girl in South America, the contact information for her father, and a glimmer of hope in his heart.

long conversations... discussing theology! :)

It wasn't long before he contacted my dad and they arranged to meet for breakfast. Dad was quite impressed with Nathan that first conversation; he seemed to be a young man of character with a good head on his shoulders and a striking amount of commonalities with the daughter down in Bolivia. However, before proceeding forward, my dad asked Nathan to seriously pray over the next two weeks and seek God's will about the possibility of pursuing something further with me. He also encouraged Nathan to read my blog and begin getting to know me as much as possible through that means.

I had signed an agreement as part of my volunteer covenant with Casa de Amor that I would not engage in any romantic relationships during the six months term of service to which I was committed. My dad informed Nathan of this fact and explained that he would therefore have to hold off from having any form of contact with me personally until I returned home, but that he was more than welcome to interact with my family in the meanwhile.

in the kitchen together!

Nathan did as my dad asked. After two weeks of earnest prayer and many, many late nights spent reading every word of my blog, he was more than ready to move forward by getting to know my family. My dad made arrangements for him to come over for a meal so he could meet my mom and my sister, who, it turned out, had surprised everyone by flying into town for November birthdays and Thanksgiving. A good friend of mine was also present for that lunch. They all enjoyed meeting Nathan, and bombarded him with dozens of questions during lunch (naturally!). They liked what they learned and he, in turn, enjoyed the opportunity to spend time with my family.

Somewhere in this process, my dad had another private conversation with Nathan during which time he asked him all the tough questions he asks any potential suitor. It's part of his screening process and gives him a good indication of where a young man stands morally and if he has the ability to support a family or not. Nathan passed this part of the "Dad interview" with flying colors!

The next challenge my dad issued forth was for Nathan to make phone calls to various close friends of our family to ask questions about me and continue getting to know me indirectly until the time would come when we could meet in person. Never one to back down from a challenge, Nathan did as my dad suggested. Perhaps a peek into their email exchange at this point will give you a glimpse of what was transpiring, while I was busy caring for children in Cochabamba!

Nathan,

Sounds like you have been on the phone. Pastor Taylor and Jim Loo mentioned your calls when I saw them at church. Not sure who, if anyone else, you have talked to but I hope you are discovering new things about Katrina. Doesn't hurt for others close to our family to get to know you also. My wife and I continue to pray for God's direction in your life.


Mr. Rebsch

~~~

Mr Rebsch! Yes, I have been learning all kinds of wonderful new things about Katrina. Everyone that I've spoke to thus far has given a glowing report of Katrina and your family. I spoke with Cindy Powell, Pastor Taylor, and Jim Loo. I left a message with the Riddell family, asking for Tara's number, but I have not heard back from them yet. 

I've had some wonderful conversations. I really appreciated Mr. Loo and his thoughts and insights. It is nice to see that you have such committed and God honoring friends! 

I continue in prayer! I will not move without the Lord going before me, and, of course, your permission. With that said, I certainly believe that getting to know your family and close friends is healthy and the right thing for me to do right now, and so I will continue under your guidance. Thank you so much for the prayers!

Nathan

It wasn't long before December had arrived and with it, Nathan's younger sister, Elizabeth, in town for a Christmas visit. My parents invited the three Brittons over for a meal, allowing them their first meeting some of Nathan's family. To say they had a wonderful time would be an understatement! A few days later, my parents were, in turn, invited to a Christmas celebration the Britton siblings hosted for a few close friends. At that party, they had the opportunity to see Nathan's fun-loving side on full display as he led games for the event. They were also quite captivated with the musical talent that was evident in his family as the evening included much singing and impressive piano playing ability demonstrated by Nathan's brother, Joel. My mom was especially excited to see this musical side shine forth as she has always prayed that God would bring me a musical husband!

All was going wonderfully well. Nathan's Godly character, solid faith, fun-loving personality, and likeminded views on life had convinced my parents, after several months of interaction and prayer, that he might very well be God's man for me. However, they knew nothing could be certain until we had had the chance to meet and spend time getting to know one another in person!

So then the fun began of figuring out the best way to introduce his existence to me upon my arrival home. After everyone (including my sister and her husband who had remained in contact with Nathan via email) went 'round and 'round with a host of ideas, the decision was made by joint brainstorming contributions that the old-fashioned, romantic side of Katrina would love to receive a handwritten letter. Nathan thought flowers would be a nice touch as well.

And so it was that I now found myself sitting on the living room couch, listening to this incredible story that had been unfolding for three months completely unbeknownst to me, and trying desperately to believe this was really happening!

The Smolder

Surreal doesn't even begin to describe it. I had never felt so honored as I felt that night. Honored, first of all, that a young man of this caliber was interested in me, without even having met me! Honored that he willingly approached my dad first, of his own initiative, in order to make his interests known. Honored (and blown away) by the fact that he was willing to call perfect strangers in order to ask questions and get to know me better. And honored by the chivalrous way he had gently introduced himself into my life. Did these kind of stories really still happen?

It was so much to absorb!

After much talk in our living room that night, including a phone call with my sister, my parents showed me pictures of Nathan, emails he had written them, and sermons of him preaching. The more I learned about this young man, the more impressed I was with him.

I went to bed that night, my thoughts spinning. I think the only reason I slept at all was due to sheer exhaustion from international travel...otherwise, I'm sure I would have laid awake all night! As it was, I spent a lot of time that evening and the next morning processing this incredible turn of events and the fact that a guy like Nathan Britton still existed in the world. Hope had been re-awakend in my heart, and I was completely in awe of God.

The next logical step was to meet this amazing young man who had waited so patiently for my homecoming and find out if he was the one for whom I had been waiting and praying all these years...

first valentine

That is actually Part 3 of the beautiful love story God is writing for Katrina. Check out Part 1 and Part 2 to hear the background of the story, or click here to see what happened next...

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Don't Be That Girl #4 & 5: The Perfect One and the Day Time TV Guest

{Michael Vuke}

If you haven't read part one, two, or three in the "Don't Be That Girl" series, go back and read them now!

What do you mean 'emotion'?
Life isn't always perpetually bland
and perfect for you?

Part Four: The Perfect One and the Day Time TV Guest 

The last two types really go together, as different as they are; they are opposite ends on the spectrum of transparency. First up, there is the perfect girl.

Yep, guys avoid “Perfect Girls”. How do you know if you are the Perfect One? If you never show any emotion except for happiness and contentment even when your life is going down the tubes, you are the perfect girl. When you are at a close friend’s funeral, someone tries to comfort you, and your response is: “I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it.” You are the perfect girl.

Perfect girls never get sad or lonely; they are self-sufficient and happy with their lives (but not really). On the inside, they are hurting and lonely; they experience emotions just like everybody else. Unlike everyone else though, they are ‘too strong’ to let it show. They put on a big happy mask and live a façade. They are a Barbie Doll personified.

Why do we care?

Guys avoid Perfect Girls because you can’t get to know them--there are too many walls in place for any sort of meaningful relationship to develop. Perfect Girls are always hiding something and refusing to trust others with anything, but trust is vital to a friendship. Even if a guy can’t fix your problem, some would be glad to just listen. No one likes being lied to and being given a plastic mannequin for a friend, so we avoid them altogether.

Well, if we avoid Perfect Girls because they never show any emotion or any of the struggles they are experiencing, we must flock to girls who have lots of problems, right? 

No comment necessary.

That brings us to the final type (for now) of girl that guys avoid. The Day-time Talk Show Guest. If you have ever seen an episode of Maury or Jerry Springer, you know exactly what I’m talking about. These girls have more issues than Time magazine, and they flaunt them. As soon as you meet one, you are overwhelmed with information about their problems, emotions, and friend’s problems.

How can you tell if you are one? If you are having a bad day, do you go around wailing and sobbing uncontrollably, clutching the nearest friend for comfort? If you are mad, do you rant to anyone around about that backstabbing little jerk who dared to wear the same shirt as you? If you are one of these girls, whatever you feel, think, or hear will quickly change your mood and get dumped all over your nearest acquaintance. These girls often suffer from the medical condition known as Dramaticus Queeninitus.

Why do we care?

Do I even have to answer this one? Yeah…..no. This isn’t just guys—this is everyone. No one wants to be constantly subjected to every mood swing or bad thing that happens to you. Everyone has some junk in their lives, and we don’t mind listening or helping you remove that junk, but we also aren’t garbage disposals. We have stuff going on in our own lives. Plus, if you are that sort of girl, we can’t entrust any personal details to you, for fear that it would trigger a mood swing or that you would cry/rant/beam about it to your next friend.

Compare those last two girls (the Perfect One and the Day-time TV guest) to the Honest One. This lady isn’t afraid to be real about her life and whatever is happening, but she also knows when the appropriate time and place is to divulge personal information. She is accessible without baring her soul to everyone that walks by. The Honest One also knows what information should be shared with her guy friends, and what information should be reserved for her lady friends. She is balanced, which is something that every girl on the list of girls that guys like has in common. While there is wide variety in personalities, from quiet to adventurous, they all have some form of balance to their lives.

There you have it: 5 types of girls that guys avoid (and 4 types of girls that we like!). I say this on behalf of men everywhere: Please, don’t be that girl.

What are your thoughts on these last two types of girls? Comment below!

Michael Vuke doesn’t want to be that girl. In fact, he rather likes being a guy! He strives to become a well-rounded man, and so is pursuing his varying interests from fashion to camping to learning Japanese. Have any questions about guys/for guys? Tweet it out to @WriteandDream and it may get answered in an article! Michael blogs about his discoveries at michaelvuke.wordpress.com.

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Don't Be That Girl #3: The Crazy One

At this point we are frantically running
for the door.

{by Michael Vuke}

There are a lot of articles out there telling what sort of girl you should be to attract guys; equally important, however, is knowing the type of girl that guys avoid. Here I’ll lay out for you five basic types of girls that we guys avoid like the plague. So far we've covered the Catlady-in-training and the Mother Hen. Please, for all of our sakes, don’t be these girls.

Part 3: The Crazy One

Next on the list of feared and avoided women is the Crazy One. You never know what the Crazy One will do next—one minute she is complaining that you never are serious, the next she is trying to chug a 2-liter. Relient K based their song ‘Mood Rings’ off of her. She has no concept of restraint or inhibitions and will do anything on a dare. Her favorite perfume is “Eau de la Red Flag”.

How do you know if you are the Crazy One?

If people around you eye you warily while laughing at your latest antic, you might be this girl. Do people dare you to do things constantly? Whenever you come out in public, do your friends all whip out their cameras in hopes of catching the next viral video? Do people ask you to speak quieter a lot?

Why do we care?

There are two main reasons: 1. It’s embarrassing to be around someone who at any given moment could jump up on the table and start belting out “Make ‘Em Laugh” from Singing in the Rain (or worse yet, the latest Ke$ha song) 2. We are scared to be around them. Someone who is that unpredictable and crazy usually has emotional issues and could turn on you in a second. It’s kind of like playing hot potato with a hand grenade; however fun it might be at the time, everyone is a little afraid that it will kill them.

The Crazy One would like you to think that she is a different girl. She would like you to think she is the Adventurous One, but there are major differences. The Adventurous One is amazing; she embraces life in all its twists and turns, and seeks to find the wonder in life. She is not foolhardy, nor reckless, but the Adventurous One is also not afraid to take risks. She is not afraid to have fun and do random things, but she can also be serious and strategic when it is appropriate.  The Crazy One makes us want to go away, but the Adventurous One makes us want to join them in their escapades.

What do you do for adventure? Comment below!

Michael Vuke likes to think of himself as an explorer, discovering new things in the world and internally. He has a list of things to do before he gets old, boring, or 30, and is always trying to come up with ways to make daily life interesting. Got any cool ways to spice up your life? Tweet it out to him @WriteandDream. Michael blogs about his discoveries at michaelvuke.wordpress.com.

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Don't Be That Girl #2: The Mother Hen

On the other end is a guy pulling his hair
out because she won't stop texting him...

{by Michael Vuke}

If you missed Part 1 of the "Don't Be That Girl" series where Michael warns about the frightening and frumpy Catlady, be sure to check it out here!

Part 2: The Mother Hen

If the Catlady was avoided because she didn’t want to interact with guys, the Mother Hen is the complete opposite. However, this girl is one that most sane men go out of their way to avoid whenever possible. The Mother Hen obsessively clings to her guy friends and constantly pries into their lives and activities. She is over-protective and sensitive about ‘her guys’—don’t say anything remotely bad about one or her wrath will descend upon you. The Mother Hen puts the ‘mothering’ into ‘smothering’. 

How do you know if you are one?  Do you feel left out or slighted if your friends do not tell you every detail of their day? Are you constantly texting your friends with questions like: “Who are you talking to?” “What are you talking about?” “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” Can you describe your relationship with several guys as “a big sister”? If you answered yes to any of these, you may be well on your way to becoming a Mother Hen.

Why do we care?

We already have one mother—we don’t need another. It is frustratingly annoying to constantly be subjected to questions and inquiries; plus, it shows an alarming lack of security on the lady’s part. As with any relationship, we like balanced, mutual conversations where both parties can tell the other one what they want in as much detail as they want—Mother Hen’s turn it into an interrogation. After a while, it starts to feel like a parasitic relationship instead of a friendship. Plus, these are almost impossible to end. You try to cut back, but the Mother Hen just won’t stop. You run away, and she runs beside you. It’s the stuff of nightmares.

Contrast the Mother Hen to the Caring Friend. A Caring Friend wants to know what is happening in your life, and asks. However, they know their boundaries—they aren’t pushy or intrusive; they simply are interested in what happens to you. While they enjoy hanging out with you, a Caring Friend isn’t clingy, and they will never expect you to dedicate all of your time to being with them, or to update them when you are doing something without them. A Mother Hen often times acts the way she does because she is insecure about herself and needs constant stimulation from someone else. A Caring Friend acts the way she does because she cares about what happens to her friends.

How do you keep yourself from becoming a Mother Hen? Comment below!

 

Michael Vuke loves hanging out with friends, but he also likes having quiet time by himself to think and reflect. Whether he is driving down a backroad, making music with friends, or reading a book at home, if an idea hits him, he is known to drop everything and write until he has captured the inspiration. What inspires you? Tweet it out to him @WriteandDream! Michael blogs about what inspires him at michaelvuke.wordpress.com

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Don't Be That Girl: Five Types of Girls That Guys Avoid

{by Michael Vuke}

There are a lot of articles out there telling what sort of girl you should be to attract guys; equally important, however, is knowing the type of girl that guys avoid. Here I’ll lay out for you five basic types of girls that we guys avoid like the plague. Please, for all of our sakes, don’t be these girls.

Not this Catwoman... but we'd probably also
avoid you if you dressed up like this...

Part 1: The Catlady-in-Training


First on the list is the Catlady-in-training; I’m talking about the lady that owns 30 cats and only comes out of her home to buy groceries and cat food. These women are obvious to everyone else, but how can you tell if you are a catlady-in-training?

If you find yourself at a pet store staring longingly at cats, even though you are allergic to cat hair, that’s a warning sign. If you start spending all your free time curled up in a corner at home by yourself, watch out! Catladies don’t care about their appearance and generally devolve from normal women into frumpy, unkempt, anti-social hermits over a period of years, so taking care of yourself is a vital step to fight this tragic metamorphosis. Make sure you meet basic hygienic standards. And if you ever, ever find yourself recording an e-harmony video and unable to stop talking about cats, seek professional help.

Why do we care?

It’s hard to meet a catlady, because she spends most of her time at home, but when she does come out, guys avoid her because she is a little crazed. She silently slips through a room, avoiding eye contact by keeping her tangled hair down in her face, and find the darkest, furthest removed corner of the room to sit in. If you are making that much effort to avoid others, we are going to avoid you. We are also a little afraid that you might hiss at us if we try to initiate a conversation! (Also, dogs are way cooler than cats.)

Compare the Catlady to the Thinker. The Thinker is quiet, but while she is introspective, she does not mind talking to people. The Thinker does not let herself go; even if her outfits or make up aren’t in-your-face, they still show foresight and an eye towards being presentable. This lady has a tender, caring heart, and anyone who takes the time to talk to her will be blessed. Our society seems to have something against quiet people, but there is nothing wrong with being quiet as long as you don’t become a recluse.

One down, four to go! Next time we look at a highly feared and avoided type of girl; the Mother Hen.

Are you a Catlady-in-Training? Have you ever been? Share below!

 

Michael Vuke is a rambler. Talk to him for very long, and you’ll find that the conversation flows from one topic to another, anywhere from the latest movies to ancient history to spirituality—and that’s just the way he likes it. He believes you have more fun if you deviate from the original plan and wander about a bit. You can follow him on Twitter @WriteandDream and is preparing to launch his own blog at  michaelvuke.wordpress.com. Got a question for him about guys and girls? Comment below or tweet it out and it might show up in an article!

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Discourse on Being Called {Part 2}

{by Katrina Rebsch}

Upon my arrival home after a busy semester, with plenty of time on my hands for Bible study, I decided to dive into a study of this word, “calling” (and its derivatives) to really get an understanding of Scripture on this topic.

My discoveries have been nothing short of fascinating!

First of all, I looked up every reference to the terms “calling,” or “called” in the New Testament.  Then, based on these verses, I compiled the following lists:

What is our calling as Christians?

(the order as read in the New Testament)

-  Called to be saints, “the called of Jesus Christ”

-  Called according to His purpose (first foreknown, then predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, then called, then justified, then glorified)

-  Called unto the fellowship of Jesus Christ

-  Called into the grace of Christ

-  Called unto liberty

-  Called in one hope of our calling

-  Called in one body

-  Called unto His kingdom and glory

-  Called unto holiness

-  Called to glorify the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ in us according to His grace

-  Called by the Gospel

-  Called to eternal life

-  Called and saved with a holy calling according to His own purpose and grace which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began

-  Called of a heavenly calling

-  Called out of darkness into His marvelous light

-  Called to follow His steps who did no sin (even in the face of suffering)

-  Called unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus

-  Called to glory and virtue

-  Called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb

Categorized by preposition:

-  Called out of darkness into His marvelous light

-  Called of a heavenly calling

-  Called of Jesus Christ

-  Called by the Gospel

-  Called in one hope

-  Called in one body

-  Called according to His purpose (first foreknown, then predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, then called, then justified, then glorified)

-  Called and saved with a holy calling according to His own purpose and grace which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began

-  Called to be saints

-  Called to glorify the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ in us according to His grace

-  Called to follow His steps who did no sin (even in the face of suffering)

-  Called to glory and virtue

-  Called to eternal life

-  Called into the grace of Christ

-  Called unto the fellowship of Jesus Christ

-  Called unto liberty

-  Called unto His kingdom and glory

-  Called unto holiness

-  Called unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus

-  Called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb

**********

It is very interesting to me to note that based on the majority of verses in the New Testament, the Biblical usage of this term “calling” is quite different than how we commonly use it today (i.e. specific vocation/ministry/task).  From these verses, we see that the term is always and only used to refer to believers; who we are called to be in Christ, how He calls us to live, what we are called to do (in a general sense), and where we are called to go when we leave this planet.  It is noteworthy to mention that these callings are always by God, for God, to God, and through God.

Now, is it wrong to use the term “calling” to refer to a specific task or position?  No.  There is certainly Scriptural reference of this definition as well.

New Testament references to a specific calling:

-  Barnabas and Saul were separated for a specific work the Holy Ghost called them unto. (Acts 13:2-3)

-  Through a vision, the Lord called for Paul and Barnabas to preach unto the people of Macedonia.  (Acts 16:9-11)

-  Paul noted that he was called to be an apostle, and later stated, “He hath saved us and called us with an holy calling...according to His own purpose and grace...whereunto I am appointed a preacher, and an apostle, and a teacher of the Gentiles.” (Romans 1:1-7, 1 Cor. 1:1-3)

-  Aaron was called of God to be the first high priest. (Hebrews 5:1-5)

-  Abraham was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance. (Hebrews 11:8)

As I thought about other people who were specifically called by God for a specific task here is the list I came up with:

-   Noah

-   Moses

-   Joshua

-   Samuel

-   Isaiah

-   Jeremiah

-   Ezekial

-   Jonah

-   Mary of Nazareth

-   The 12 apostles

There were probably others that I’m just not remembering, but it is interesting to note that the people called in Scripture by the Lord for a specific task were relatively few in number.  However, we see in the New Testament that all of us believers are called to be saints, to be in fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ, to walk in holiness and liberty, to fulfill God’s purposes for us, to glorify the Name of Jesus Christ in us.  I believer that inherit within this calling, therefore, is the call to obey the Lord’s commands which include loving God wholeheartedly, making disciples of all nations, being witnesses unto Him, preaching the Gospel to every creature, doing good works, visiting the fatherless and widow, raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and so much more.  Granted, some men are specifically given the instruction by God to be pastors or evangelists in a vocational sense (Ephesians 4:11), but I believe that all Christians should be involved in ministry and obedience to the Great Commission no matter where they live and no matter what they do to earn a paycheck.  Our “calling” is the same; to glorify the Name of Christ and engage in Kingdom work.

*********

Here are some other thoughts I scribbled down in my study of this topic:

There is a difference between our calling as Christians and our spiritual gift/measure of grace given.  One is general and one is specific.

There is a difference between having a desire for being or doing something and having a calling to that same thing.  Let’s not get the two confused and say that God called me to a particular work simply because I have the desire to go and do it.  Nothing wrong with such a desire; the Bible makes it clear that when you “delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

I propose that to have a calling to a particular work means that God specifically spoke to you.  In the Bible, He always did it vocally, whether through a dream, a Damascus road experience, a burning bush, etc.  However, now we have the Word of God as our guide.  I therefore believe that it is possible to receive a specific calling of God through His Word speaking to one’s heart, as a result of a sermon heard, or through a distinct impression that He is speaking to your Spirit.

Sometimes, God’s calling to a particular place or work will be temporary.  Such was the case with Paul and Barnabas being called to preach to the people in Macedonia.  They did not devote the rest of their lives to that place.  They simply followed God’s calling there and then when the work was finished, they moved on to the next location as God led. 

Sometimes, God will lead and give direction but I don’t know that it is right to use the word calling in such a context.  Nevertheless, there would seem to be overlap in the two ideas.

 **********

Now, what about women?  I’ve often heard it said that a woman’s highest calling is to be a wife and mother.  I am not arguing with the intended meaning behind this statement; that being a wife and mother is a noble and honorable position and one to be embraced with wholehearted enthusiasm.  However, if a woman remains unmarried and yet “cares for the things of the Lord” all during this time, does that mean she is living a “lower” calling?  Women like Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Gladys Aylward, and Corrie ten Boom come to mind.  I agree that women were created to be the helpmeet of the man and that this is the normative pattern God has established for women.  Nevertheless, there are those who never do for a host of various reasons.  Was their life a waste?  A mere shadow of what it could have been if they had married?  Did they miss their high calling?

What about women, whether young or old, who may eventually get married, but for right now, they are in the season of being unmarried?  During this season, are they living according to a “low calling” while they bide their time waiting for God’s choice in a husband so they can live the “high calling” of being a wife and mother?

Do you see how this word can get us in trouble?  If we stick to the Bible’s use of the word “calling” we will see that all Christians, men or women, young or old, married or unmarried, share the same calling from God.  Forgive me if I seem repetitive, but it bears repeating!  We are all called out of darkness into His marvelous light, called by the Gospel, called to the fellowship of Jesus Christ, called to His Kingdom and glory, called unto liberty, called unto holiness, called to glorify the Name of Christ in our very beings, called to eternal life.  It doesn’t get any higher than that. 

So back to women specifically.  “The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit.” (1 Corinthians 7:34)  It’s a statement of fact that communicates the Lord’s will for an unmarried woman.  Therefore, the unmarried woman who is living according to this verse is living according to the specific purpose God has laid forth for her and is bringing Him glory!  That is what it’s all about, right?

The married woman, on the other hand, “cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”  We know from other passages that God’s will for married women is to bear children, guide the house, love their husbands, love their children, be keepers at home, and obedient to their own husbands that the Word of God be not blasphemed and that the adversary have none occasion to speak reproachfully.  This is God’s stated purpose for married women; that’s not to say they don’t “care for the things of the Lord” as an unmarried woman, but simply that the way they care for the things of the Lord is different, with a focus on husband and children that an unmarried woman simply doesn’t have. 

 **********

Conclusion

So, back to the original question that started this whole journey.  Should I marry a man that has the same calling in life as myself?  That would depend on how the word calling is defined.

YES, I should marry a man who is called by the Gospel of God to be a saint, called to the fellowship of Jesus Christ, called to glory and virtue, called to holiness and liberty, called to His kingdom, called to glorify the Name of Christ.

Does he have to be a missionary going to South America to work with orphans? 

NO.  This is the vocational work God has led me to pursue at this moment as an unmarried woman, but it is not a pre-requisite that my future husband must share this same pursuit.  If God allows me to marry one day, my role will be to serve as the helpmeet of my husband; to go where he goes, to support and enable him to be all he can be in whatever vocation he chooses or is called to and in his role as leader of the family.  While I will still seek to make disciples in obedience to the Great Commission, my first and most important disciples will be my children.  And Lord willing, our family will strive together to view ministry as a life-style.

“Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall: For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”   2 Peter 1:10-11 

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